Slipping, Falling, Tumbling

I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know what to say or better yet how to feel. I’m sitting here with an empty heart but a soul full of emotion and no one to express it to. Im stuck here with a ton of unanswered questions, but I don’t even know the right way to put them down on this paper. Is this my fault? What did I do wrong? Is there anything I can do to fix what is now broken? Why is it me that has to be left with all the pain? Why is it so easy for you to just walk away? How can you forget everything that has happened? Why does the fact that I lost a child rip me to pieces each and every day but have absolutely no effect on you? Are you just as hurt as I am, but choose not to show it? These are things I need to know. I need to know that I am not alone. I cant afford to be. Please reassure me? I don’t want you to lie to me anymore. Its been four long years of pain and suffering and I just want it all to go away. Please. If this cant be fixed then I at least want closure so I can put it all behind me. I want to be better I really do. I don’t think anyone believes that im trying but I am. With out a doubt I love you more than anything on this earth, I am in love with you and I have been since day one. That’s another thing I don’t think you understand, I am in love with you. I tell you I love you time and time again but I fell as if it goes in one ear and out the other. These feelings aren’t just part of a phase. You have been present for every accomplishment and struggle I have faced in the last four years of my life. I remember the first conversation we had, you realized I was upset; sat me down, and simply asked me what was wrong. Someone I “knew” but had never formally met showed concern. it was about how this kid I liked was playing with my emotions. I was down and out and you were right there to pick me up. I seen you as my knight in shinning armor but looking back at it I think what you seen in me was vulnerability, a perfect opportunity to sweep me up. Well it worked, that day was when it all started. From our first kiss on the highway to our last kiss at my door step six days ago nothing has changed when it comes to the way I feel about you, but on other levels so much has changed. You are the biggest part of my life but yet im not even apart of yours. I don’t see how that’s even possible. I look at other people who are in some what the same position and I criticize their situation or I’ll give advice on how to move on and get over it but I cant practice what I preach. There was one time where I was strong enough to stay away from you but that was only because I had someone distracting me. You left me without a goodbye, rejected my calls, and never replied to text messages; you went back to her without a single word to me. Every last emotion that was expressed to him was how I felt for you. Everything I shared with him was what I was wishing to share with you. I wanted nothing more than to call you mine, to have you back in my arms. My relationship with him was short lived; somehow you and i crossed paths again. I was seeing you again for the first time in almost a year. Seeing your face, hearing your voice and feeling your touch brought me right back to the beginning I knew it was you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were caught up in the moment and made a decision we shouldn’t have. I went on vacation and once again I lost you. After weeks of “I miss you” and “I love you” just like that, in a matter of two days you were gone again, just like before no goodbye or anything. I tried to act tough, put on a front like it didn’t matter to me but in all reality It killed me. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and I made the decision to keep it from you since you chose to walk away again. As you now know, I lost the baby. THAT was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I was completely alone, I had no one to turn to no one to lean on for help. While I was in the hospital I wanted to pick up the phone and call you so bad, I think the only reason why I didn’t was because deep down I knew where you were. I knew you were back with her. to call you and tell you what was happening to me, I felt would have been selfish; again putting you above myself. I cant blame you for what happened to our baby but I do feel as if I have a right to be upset with you. its almost been a year since I told you about this and not once have you showed any compassion for me. When I start to think about what happened you are the first person I go to to talk about this with but I get nothing from you, no sympathy, no emotion, no care, nothing. Does this not bother you? do you not understand what happened? All ive ever asked for was for you to care. I just want to see that im not the only one hurt by this, I cant be. right? You have the chance to show your worth as a father, you have the chance to experience unconditional love, I was so close but it was ripped right from me. Right from us. I try so hard to keep this on the back burner but you just don’t get how bad it hurts. You don’t know what its like to carry another life around with you, to hear your babies heart beat, to feel your baby moving, and the next day have no baby at all. I know there is nothing I can do to change what happened but I just ask for you to understand, to know where im coming from. Is that to much to ask for? These past few years haven’t been easy for either of us. I know you go through your own adversities as well but you know that im here for you. I just want to know that you’re here for me? these past few months have been difficult. Before I left I seen you shed tears, you repeatedly asked me to stay, you told me you didn’t want to see me leave the way I did, you told me you loved me. that was the one time I can say you attempted to put up a fight for me. it meant a lot to hear the things you were saying and to see the emotion you showed. But with all ive been through with you I didn’t know if believing you was the right thing to do. We laid next to each other just hours before I was going to leave and you asked me to keep in touch you told me we were going to talk every day until I came home, but would you guess what happened? You disappeared. I should have expected it, but with every thing that was said the night before I just didn’t think it would be this way. Ive emailed, texted, and called but I haven’t heard from you once. I just want to know why, why do you put me through this everytime? Why is it me that you constantly hurt? Why cant you talk to me about all of this? For once I want to be able to figure all of this out. I want to get to the bottom of everything. Lay everything out on the table and just wipe the slate clean. I came here for a fresh start and that’s what im asking for. Just know that no matter what the end result is, I will forever love you